There’s Nothing Virtual
About E-conflict

A problem I hear about is incidents when an e-mail message has resulted in a major conflict developing. Sometimes the simplest comment can stir up controversy, though more often an e-mail sent in anger has been the culprit.

E-mail tends to be a “read and reply” culture. We often write a cryptic reply to an inquiry, sometimes inserting a tongue-in-cheek humorous comment. Or, if we are upset about something we “vent and send,” lobbing a fire bomb into a situation. The recipient of our note, who may have strong feelings about the issue, may misinterpret our cryptic comments, not see as humor what we intended as a witty quip, or be unable to read an angry message dispassionately. They in turn “vent and send.”

E-mail, while easy and fast, has two inherent problems.

First, e-mail does not convey emotion well. With a face-to-face conversation the people involved can gauge emotions by watching body language. But with e-mail or instant messaging reading of emotions, even with emotion faces, is often wrong. People tend to read into things what they think you feel. An exchange can quickly get out of hand. Also, getting or giving clarifications is difficult in written form so misunderstandings escalate.

Second, e-mail can be forwarded to lots of people, many of whom may not need to get involved. Add to this the varying frequency with which people check e-mail and soon no one knows who has seen what, which adds more fuel to the fire.

It is impossible to prevent people who want to create controversy, or who have an emotional need to vent and bring as many people into their conflicts as possible, from misusing e-mail in a congregation. However, it might serve a congregation well to develop, as part of a relational covenant, an agreement on how e-mail should be used.

Three Suggestions:

1. Agree to not use e-mail to vent anger or to carry on conversations about problems or complex issues.

2. If a conflict develops, keep it between the individuals directly affected (this is a good covenant for all kinds of issues).

3. When an incendiary e-mail comes, send back a reply with the invitation “I’d be happy to get together with you to talk about this issue. Give me a call.”

District staff is available to help congregations. Contact us as 508-559-6650 or BCDoffice@uua.org.

Bill Zelazny, District Executive (BCD in Brief, 3/2005)